PLEDGEtalk - Module 5: Give

🎧

Listen on the go - Audio Version

The Big Idea

You learned it in Kindergarten. Now it's time to live it.

Taking turns. One of the simplest principles we were ever taught - and one of the hardest to practice when emotions are high and we feel unheard. You have paused, listened, echoed, and disarmed. The roadmap has brought you to step five - and now it is finally your turn. But the timing matters more than most people realize.

"Once we choose to value others above ourselves, we must understand there is order to a good conversation. That order is: Pause, Listen, Echo, Disarm - and THEN Give."

- Mark Oelze, on why the order of PLEDGEtalk is everything

How Give Works

The turn switch - and why it changes everything.

Give only works because of what came before it. When one person has been heard, echoed, and validated - they are finally ready to hear you. The roles now reverse.

Round 1 - Person A Speaks

→ Shares their perspective or concern
→ Person B Listens to understand
→ Person B Echoes back to clarify
→ Person B Disarms by validating

⇄

Round 2 - Roles Reverse

→ Person B now Gives their perspective
→ Person A Listens to understand
→ Person A Echoes back to clarify
→ Person A Disarms by validating

From the Video

Two ways to take the microphone. Only one of them works.

The way most people do it

Grabbing the microphone - "Hey, it's MY turn to share!" - before the other person truly feels heard. This restarts the conflict.

The PLEDGEtalk way

Waiting until they Give you the microphone - or asking: "I have some further thoughts - would you be willing to hear them?" That question changes everything.

"When my daughter took her turn to listen, and I shared my perspective - she grew in her understanding of my heart and intentions. Together we had a whole new way of understanding what had taken place between us. We appreciated each other in a deeper way - not only because of this understanding but also because of HOW we went about gaining it."

- Mark Oelze, from the Give video

Part 1 - Reflect

Honest questions first.

Question 1

Mark said the universal human problem is that we all naturally think of ourselves first. In conflict, how does that show up for you - do you tend to grab the microphone, or do you shut down and never get your perspective heard at all?

Your answer:

Question 2

Think of a conflict where you felt your perspective was never heard. Looking back - what would it have meant to you if the other person had asked: "I'd like to hear your thoughts - can I?"

Your answer:

Question 3

Mark said that once his daughter felt heard and understood, only then was she ready to value him in the same way. Have you seen that in your own relationships - where being heard first made you far more open to hearing the other person?

Your answer:

Part 2 - Practice

This week - practice waiting your turn.

In every conversation - especially the ones where you have something to say - practice hearing the other person fully first. Then when it is your turn to Give, do it in a way that honors what they just shared.

The situation: What you wanted to say before hearing them out: What you did instead - and how you gave your perspective when the time came: What was different about the conversation as a result?

⚠

A Word of Caution from Mark

This may all sound easier than it really is. Don't give up. When processing conflict, you may need to hit the Pause button several times throughout the process - to keep your emotions down, your brain on, and your heart in the right place. That is OK. It is much better than the old way of doing things.