You have Paused, Listened, and Echoed - three waypoints already behind you. The other person knows you heard them. But there is one more thing they need before the tension can truly drop. They need to know they are not crazy for feeling the way they do. That is what Disarm does. You validate their perspective - and the room changes.
Mark's friend Jim - a politician who gets people coming into his office angry all the time - says that when he validates the person sharing with him, the tension in the room immediately drops. He says it's actually fun watching the person's jaw drop - because they feel heard and understood. A rare thing these days.
This is the question Mark says everyone asks when they hear this step - "What if I can't honestly say 'that makes sense' because it really doesn't?" Here is his answer.
One number lying flat on the table between them. Person A looks from her end and sees a 6. Person B looks from his end and sees a 9. They are both right from where they stand. The only way to resolve it is for one of them to walk around to the other side. That is exactly what Disarm asks you to do.
"By saying 'that makes sense,' you are not telling them they are completely right and you are completely wrong. What you ARE saying is that you can understand their perspective - you have walked around to the other side and seen what they see."
- Mark Oelze, from the Disarm videoThree phrases from the video. Keep them in mind - and in your mouth - this week.
After you say the validating phrase - get quiet. Let it soak in. You just gave that person something rare. Give them a moment to receive it before you say another word.
Not just in conflict. Applaud someone for speaking up in a meeting. Appreciate your spouse's account of their day. Draw a friend out and ask them to explain their thoughts further. Log three moments below.
Write out what the full four-step process would look like in one real conflict you have faced recently - or one you can anticipate.