DISARM - The Fourth Step of PLEDGEtalk

Hi I am Mark Oelze. Welcome back to the PLEDGEtalk online course where you are learning a "how to" for when communication really matters!

So far we have talked about the first three steps in the PLEDGEtalk process: Pause, Listen, Echo. This next step naturally follows in line with the process. It is represented by the letter D in PLEDGE and stands for the word: DISARM.

Again, thinking first in the context of a conflict, this is the step that leads the relationship back to peace.

Jim the Politician

Tension shows up in a relationship or you find yourself in the midst of a conflict. The problem for most of us is - we don't know what to do!

Jim, my politician friend says he finds himself in this position a lot! Prior to knowing PLEDGEtalk he didn't know what to do either when someone came into his office mad. Now? Now he knows exactly what to do. He follows the process I teach to a T - and says it works EVERY time!

Here's what he told me he does when someone comes in mad at him: Jim puts the conversation briefly on hold while he goes to his desk and pulls out a pad of paper - in effect he is Pausing momentarily. No doubt while doing so he is getting his own emotions under control, so he can think straight and show that he values the person coming in to speak with him.

Jim then tells the person that he is going to take notes while they tell him what they are angry about. He explains that he wants to be sure he does his best to Listen and understand them. THEN - when the person is done sharing their frustration, Jim starts at the beginning and Echoes back each part of what the person said.

He also does the next step: DISARM. He DISARMS the tension by saying something like: "what you have told me makes sense. I understand and appreciate your concerns. They make sense."

Jim says that when he validates the person sharing with him, the tension in the room immediately drops. He also says it's fun watching the person's jaw drop - because they feel heard and understood - a rare thing these days!

Walking Around to Their Side

Now I know the big question everyone is asking with this step we call DISARM. What if you feel you can't say, "that makes sense" because it really doesn't?

Take a look at this picture: two people arguing back and forth over whether the number they see is a 9 or 6. And the only way this will get resolved is if one person walks around to the other side to see the number from the other person's perspective. Then and only then will things begin to make sense.

It is the same for you and I. At the root of most conflicts there are one or more areas where things are seen and experienced from a different perspective. To bring resolve, we must walk over to see the other's perspective so we can say: "Oh - I get it. I see now what you are talking about. That makes sense."

Keep in mind by saying "that makes sense," you aren't telling them they are completely right in everything. What you ARE saying is that you can understand their perspective.

Your Challenge

Practice DISARMING and VALIDATING. If you find yourself in tension or conflict today, be sure to Pause, Listen, Echo, and then Disarm the tension by validating what the other has said with the phrase: "That makes sense. I can see your viewpoint."

And when NOT in tension with others today, practice validating what others say. Applaud someone for speaking up in a meeting. Appreciate their perspective. Maybe even draw them out to listen more by asking them to explain their thoughts further.

When your spouse tells you about their day, don't tell them they shouldn't have felt the way they did, instead tell them it makes sense they felt the way they did.

Seek to be affirming in some way or another to every person you meet or spend time with today.