You have hit Pause. Now the roadmap takes you to the next step - and someone has to go first. Not to win. Not to get their points in. One person volunteers to genuinely Listen. That single decision changes everything about what happens next.
Merriam-Webster defines it this way
listen (v.)
To pay attention in order to hear and consider seriously.
Mark's PLEDGEtalk version: "Pay attention to what is said in order to truly hear the heart of what they are saying - so you can then seriously consider it. Listen to genuinely understand. Not to defend."
The Core Contrast
Two ways to listen. Only one works.
Most of us think we are listening. But here is what is really happening in most arguments.
Listening to Defend
-Waiting for a breath so you can jump in
-Building your rebuttal while they talk
-Reacting to tone instead of words
-Getting stuck on "you ALWAYS do that"
-Shutting down or pulling away
Listening to Understand - what actually works!
+Paying full attention to what is said
+Hearing the heart behind the words
+Letting the harsh word fly by - dodgeball
+Shaking off the tone to stay listening
+Seriously considering what was said
🏈
The Dodgeball Move
When your co-worker says "you ALWAYS do that" - practice dodgeball and let that word fly right by. When you hear a tone that makes you want to fight back, shake it off - so you can stay listening. So you can keep paying attention to the heart of what is being said.
From the Video - Mark's Story Continued
What listening to understand actually sounds like.
Mark paused instead of reacting when his daughter told him he had made her feel like a child. Here is what he said next - instead of defending himself.
"Rather than defending myself, the next words out of my mouth were: 'Huh - you felt like I was treating you like a child - how so? How did I make you feel that way? Tell me more.' I sought not only to hear and consider seriously what she was saying, but I was intentional about drawing her out. I wanted her to have the experience of a Dad who really listened - so in the future she would feel free to talk with me about anything on her heart."
- Mark Oelze, from the Listen video
📝Module 2 Homework - Listen to Understand
Part 1 - Reflect
Honest questions first.
Question 1
When you are in a tense conversation, which do you do most - jump in as soon as you can, or shut down and pull away? What does that look like for you?
Question 2
Think about the last time someone said something with a harsh tone or a word like "always" or "never." What happened inside you - and did you stay listening?
Question 3
Mark wanted his daughter to have the experience of a Dad who really listened - so she would feel free to talk to him about anything. Is there someone in your life who needs that experience from you?
Part 2 - Track Your Listening
Practice genuine listening everywhere this week.
With family, friends, coworkers, your boss, your neighbor - even the cashier at the grocery store. Log three conversations where you intentionally chose to listen to understand.
Who / When
What made it hard to keep listening?
What did you do to stay in it?
Did they feel heard?
Part 3 - If Conflict Happens This Week
Work through this when a real tense moment comes.
Before anything else - make sure you have actually Paused.
My emotions have dialed down enough to think straight.
I have reminded myself of my Pledge - to value this person above myself right now.
I am ready to listen to understand - not to defend.
❤
Remember Why This Matters
Mark said it plainly: "There is nothing more important on earth than relationships." Every time you choose to listen to understand, you are telling the person in front of you - you matter more to me than being right.