GIVE - The Fifth Step of PLEDGEtalk

Hi I am Mark Oelze. Welcome back to the PLEDGEtalk online course where you are learning a "how to" for when communication really matters!

So far we have talked about the first four steps in the PLEDGEtalk process: Pause, Listen, Echo, Disarm. In this video I talk about the fifth step: It is the G in the word PLEDGE and stands for the word: Give.

The Big Question

Here's what most people say at this point when I train them in PLEDGEtalk: "So I get it - I am with you so far. In order to have peace in my relationships, and make a good connection when I communicate, I have to Pause and remind myself of my PLEDGE to value others above myself. I have to be willing to set my agenda aside in order to Listen well and genuinely understand the person I am talking to. And when I do, I need to Echo back to clarify and make sure I heard correctly. If I did hear correctly, then it's important that I validate what was said which ultimately Disarms the tension between us. That all makes sense. BUT - what do I do with my thoughts and my views that are different than what I just heard from the other person? When do I get to share my side of things?"

Great question. That's where step number five comes into play, which is GIVE.

The Fundamental Problem

As I begin to explain this step, we have to go back and remind ourselves of the fundamental underlying premise for any good conversation, and especially when resolving conflict: we have to value others above ourselves.

There is a universal problem that gets in the way of good communication. We are all inflicted with this problem: We naturally think first of ourselves before we think of others. Take two people who have this problem, put them together in the midst of a conflict, and guess what? More conflict! Because both are thinking more of themselves rather than each other!

Think of how this happens. A wife is upset about something and tells her husband like it is - the moment she sees him at the close of their day. No time to Pause and let her emotions dial down. And later when she does tell him, he reacts back - accusing her of always being on the attack!

Before long, both will accuse the other of never listening. If things don't change, they will live disconnected lives or head for the divorce court, claiming they have fallen out of love. And I shake my head thinking, NOPE. They didn't fall out of love, they simply failed to love.

The Order of Give

Once we choose to value others above ourselves, we must understand there is order to a good conversation. That order is: Pause, Listen, Echo, Disarm, and THEN Give.

When my daughter shared her frustration about feeling I had treated her like a child, I knew I had to Pause to dial down my emotions and remind myself to value her above me; next, I knew I had to Listen to understand, then Echo back to clarify, and validate her concerns which had the effect of Disarming the conflict. ONLY AFTER I DID THE FIRST FOUR STEPS would I be able to GIVE my thoughts and my perspective. Only after my daughter felt heard, respected, and loved would she feel ready to value me in the same way.

It's another one of those principles we learned in Kindergarten. Taking turns. We have to take turns valuing each other. One shares their concern while the other listens, echoes, and disarms. Then roles are switched.

Your Challenge

In conversations, don't be so quick to get your words in. Instead, focus on listening, echoing and validating. And if you are in a conflict of any kind or to any degree, let the other person Give their perspective first. Wait your turn to Give your thoughts after you have valued the other person first.

One final word of caution: this may all sound easier than it really is. Don't give up. Keep working at it. When processing conflict, you may find that you need to hit the Pause button several times throughout the process. That's OK. It is much better than the old way of doing things!