PAUSE - The First Step of PLEDGEtalk

Hi I am Mark Oelze. Welcome back to the PLEDGEtalk online course where you will learn a "how to" for when communication really matters!

Remember how we said in the first video, that there are literally countless moments in conversations when we stand at a crossroads. If we say the right thing, we breathe a sigh of relief, as the conversation continues in a good direction. Say the wrong thing, and - whew - no tellin where things might end up!

Learning PLEDGEtalk will help you know what to do and say at those very moments - when you are standing at the crossroad.

This is the first of 6 videos, where I will walk you through each of the steps of PLEDGEtalk, one day at a time.

Keep in mind as I teach each step, you will see they are not new ideas. You will know them to be true when I talk about them. Sadly however, they lie dormant in the back of our minds. The challenge is to recognize them and understand their necessity so that we can bring them to the forefront of our minds and act upon them.

In this first video, I am going to give you an overview of the PLEDGEtalk process and then teach a bit more about the first step.

Overview of PLEDGEtalk

None of us wake up thinking, "today is a great day for a conflict!" No! Instead, we simply find ourselves in the midst of a conflict, often not even knowing why. What do we do?

Recently, my youngest daughter called me up and said, "Dad, can we talk?" I said, "sure." and she responded: "Dad I was frustrated at you the other day by the email you sent me. It made me feel like I was more of a child than an adult."

Immediately I was taken aback and the self-talk in my head was pretty reactive. I quickly had to remind myself of the first and best thing I could do.

That first step is to PAUSE. Conflict happens to all of us, but it goes from bad to worse because of our reactivity. If there is any hope for handling conflict in a successful way, we must be intentional about how we interact. This almost always necessitates that we Pause to keep from reacting and to shift towards a healthy way of relating.

The second step is to LISTEN. Once we have stopped reacting, and shifted towards a healthy way of relating, we come back to the table with one person volunteering first to listen to the other person's concerns.

The third step is to ECHO. Once the one listening has heard the other's concerns, he or she must echo back what was said to clarify and be sure if they heard correctly.

The fourth step is to DISARM. When it is clear that we did hear correctly, we disarm the conflict by validating what was said.

The fifth step is to GIVE. Only after validating the other's concerns and perspective, can we then Give our perspective. When doing this, the roles are reversed and now the first person that was speaking becomes the one who Listens, Echoes, and Disarms/validates.

The 6th and last step in PLEDGEtalk is to ENGAGE. Once both parties have taken on the role of Listening, Echoing, and Disarming the other person, both parties may need to go back and Engage the process again to talk through the matter further. This continues until either the conflict is resolved, or the individuals come back to a place of love or mutual respect of each other.

One very important note: to process conflict in a healthy manner, it is critical that both parties make a PLEDGE. That Pledge is to value the other above yourself. It is the fundamental premise of PLEDGEtalk.

It is a principle that has been taught for 2000 years, written by the Apostle Paul who said: "...in humility, value others above yourselves." We must recognize the importance of this value in our relationships, and learn to practice it in all our communication.

Now - About Pausing

We have all said things we wished we could take back. With shame and regret, I still remember some of those moments in my life. Had I early on developed the habit of Pausing to consider what I say, I might have saved myself and others a lot of grief.

There is a Proverb that says: "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." What you and I say to each other is really important. The very words you say to your spouse, your child, your friend, your co-worker, your boss - and really everyone - truly matters.

So the first reason we must learn to Pause before we speak, is so we are careful not to bring death but life to the person we are speaking to.

Here's the second reason: when in the midst of conflict, we must Pause - to give our emotions time to dial down. PET scans of the brain show that when our emotions are high, the rational part of our brain literally shuts down. Next time you are so mad, Pause for a bit, to let your anger cool down. You will also be able to remind yourself of your PLEDGE - to value the person you are speaking to above yourself.

The third and greatest reason we must Pause before we speak is to align our intentions with our PLEDGE. It is one thing to make a PLEDGE to value others above ourselves when communicating. It is quite another thing to live out that PLEDGE.

Here's what I mean: when my daughter said I made her feel more like a child than an adult in an email I sent her, I had a number of reactions going on inside my head: I wasn't treating her like a child...I was only trying to help. She is being too sensitive. She's missing my heart...

Thank goodness I didn't verbalize them. Instead I immediately put myself in the Pause mode so I could let my emotions calm down, get the rational part of my brain back online, and shift my heart in line with my PLEDGE - to value her and her thoughts and feelings above my own. What a difference that made in the rest of our conversation! It was beautiful!

Your Challenge

Practice pausing before you speak in every conversation and especially when at a crossroads - when what you say next really matters!

Someone asks you a question? Don't just answer with the first thing that comes to mind. PAUSE and think a moment.

Your spouse or child snaps at you in some way? PAUSE! Don't snap back! Let your emotions and theirs dial down.

Your friend or co-worker shares something frustrating or disappointing in their life? Don't just throw out some quick advice. Instead, put yourself on PAUSE and think a bit. What words of life could you speak to them if right that moment you were valuing them above yourself?

And share this with someone before you move on with your day. By telling someone else what you are doing, you help reinforce behavioral change in yourself.

For today: PRACTICE PAUSING!