BONUS - Connecting All the Dots

Hey - Mark Oelze here - one last time - with a BONUS video on PLEDGEtalk. I wanted to do one last video to connect all the dots and make everything as clear as possible.

I have been talking about 6 critical principles of communication. You can use them every day - in most every conversation: Pause before you speak. Listen to really understand. Echo back to make sure you heard correctly. Disarm or Validate what another says. Give each other a turn to talk. Engage others with each of these principles, regarding them more highly than you do yourself.

By practicing each of these principles you will experience a better connection between you and your spouse OR between you and your kids, whether they are waist high or the same size as you. No one would turn down a way to have greater connection with those we love the most.

Keep this in mind however: in general conversation you may use only one or two of the principles at a time, but when in conflict, it is important to use all six!

How the Steps Work Together in Conflict

When the tension arises, PAUSE before you say or do anything! HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON! It may be for thirty minutes or 30 seconds. You don't want to say anything you will later regret. You have to Pause to let your emotions dial down, so the rational part of your brain can come back online. And while your mouth is shut you must work at shifting your focus on to that of the other person.

LISTEN is the next step. Obviously both can't talk at the same time. So someone shares their perspective first on what happened and the other person focuses on LISTENING to understand. You tend to want to jump in and defend - but that will only spin things out of control. You react to negative tones or certain words like "always" or "never." But still, you must let those words fly by. Remain quiet, and re-focus on understanding the heart of what the other person is saying.

ECHO. When you think you pretty much know what the other person has said, Echo back to make sure. Then ask if you heard correctly. If the answer is yes - you can move on; if not, ask what you missed. Then listen and echo back once again.

DISARM. Hopefully after listening to understand their heart, and echoing back what was said, you have come to a place where you can at least appreciate their perspective. You may not agree, but you can at least see where they are coming from. It's not about can you agree, but can you see? Walk around to their side. Some easy phrases to say are: "That makes sense." "I can see your perspective." "I can appreciate that." THEN get quiet! Get quiet and let it soak in.

GIVE. You can give your perspective only after you have listened well, echoed back, validated their story, and gotten quiet for a few moments. If you have done each of the above steps well, chances are high that the other person may even ask you for your perspective. Think of the difference this makes - rather than grabbing the microphone from them, you wait until they GIVE you the microphone, or you ask if you can have it. Believe me - this will make ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD!

ENGAGE. Learn to Engage the PLEDGEtalk process in its entirety whenever you have conflict. Take turns going back and forth until the conflict is resolved or you are at least at a much better place of understanding and appreciating where each other is coming from. And use these principles every day, all day, whenever you can, in every conversation!

Three Final Requests

I don't know how to say this strongly enough: PLEDGEtalk works. If you are patient with the process, you don't give up, you keep working at it, you will get it. And you will see profound differences in all your relationships.

First - go to our website pledgetalk.com and sign up to receive our future tips on the use of PLEDGEtalk.

Second - if you believe in this and found it helpful, would you help us to help others by sharing it with them? COMMUNICATION MATTERS TO EVERYONE! And by sharing this with your friends, your family, your acquaintances - you will help assure that together - with each of them - your communication can be much improved.

Third - if this particularly strikes a chord with you and you want to be even more involved with Zerrin and I in taking this message into different arenas - be it marriages, families, the workplace, the classroom, or your neighborhood - email me and let us know. I would love to hear from you.

Thanks for listening and taking the time to invest in your relationships. Now go and LOVE WELL! - Mark