Applies Throughout the Course
This action plan is for a specific and common situation - when the other person has withdrawn and gone quiet. It walks you through how to re-open the conversation and then hands you back to the full PLEDGEtalk process.
Phase 1 - Before You Approach Them
Do this on your own first.
1
Note your own reactions.
Is it anger? Hurt? Fear? Confusion? A combination? Name what you are feeling before you do anything else.
2
Calm your emotions.
Take a walk. Slow your breathing. Journal. Do not approach the other person until your emotions have dialed down.
3
Remind yourself that they are quiet for some reason.
Consider: Did something negative happen between you recently? Could you have said or done something that caused hurt or shame? If you used to get along fine - when did things change?
Phase 2 - When You Approach Them
Come across as curious - not reactionary.
Your tone of voice, your posture, your distance from the person, and the words you use will all matter. The goal is curiosity - not pressure.
4
Practice your discovery question first - by yourself.
Before you say anything to them, rehearse out loud how you will ask. Make sure your tone is genuinely curious and calm.
5
Ask the discovery question.
Use one of the phrases below. Say it in a curious manner - not a reactionary one. Then stop talking.
6
Remain silent.
Give them time and space to decide if and when they want to answer. Listen without reacting. This is why Pause - the first step of PLEDGEtalk - is so important.
7
If they begin to speak - follow the full PLEDGEtalk process.
When they open up, transition into the complete process: Pause, Listen, Echo, Disarm, Give, Engage - in that order.
Discovery Questions
Two phrases that open the door.
Choose the one that feels most natural for your situation. Say it once - then stay quiet and let them respond in their own time.
Use one of these - in a calm, curious tone
"It seems like you have gotten quiet or pulled away. Can you tell me what has caused you to get quiet?"
"I am aware of being confused right now - and of feeling like there is distance between us. Can you help me understand what has happened?"
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